Mental State: About-to-Graduate-let’s-go-fucking-crazy-itis
With: I shall call him Frodo and he will be my hobbit
Age: 30 (might as well try an aged one)
So, on what was supposed to be a chill night with this party-girl I tricked into being in my first documentary turned into another SLuT TaLes classic. We start off by chilling in her disgusting ass apartment complete with four cats and all of a sudden she wants to have an adventure.
After throwing on one of her shirts, applying cosmetics, vodka shots and encouraging ass slappage we head out into the exciting world ready to tear it apart. Instead we walk around our shitty-ass East Campus Apartment streets looking for action. We hit up her male friend first where I feel as though Imma cockblock fa reals but he doesn’t make a definite move and we skip over to the people I have done many drugs with. Not home, of course.
I have a car, no buzz and I really want a fucking Irish car bomb, it’s an addiction shut yo face, we travel to Maria, CA (cute name for a crap town) and to the usual spot, The Otter’s Den. Located next to a bank and Noddle Bar < that detail will be interesting later.
We do whatever, listen to music, play pool, I avoid people as much as possible until my friend wants to smoke. we step outside and light up which is the international sign that we are chatty people. This pretty attractive bro appears out of no where and it’s fun, whatever. we head back inside, lungs filled with cancer and attempt to keep the interesting moving. he invites his friend over as my friend and I sit on opposite sides, making him chose which wench he prefers.
of course, he choses her. story of my life. his friend who is probably 5’3” has NO option but to sit next to me. After I down some Hemp Ale I try to be as entertaining as possible and genuinely try to give a shit about this poor, 30-year-old, midget that worked as a waiter at the Noodle Bar. o.0
after that revelation I wanted to call it a night and sensing my self-respect Frodo and his friend buys us shots of the ultimate pant-dropper. Patron tequila. Now me and mama-sita somehow get to the only dive bar in town accompanied by these chaps.
i don’t know what else I drank, I just know that I did. Honestly if I try to remember I’m going to blend two different nights into one. All I remember is they somehow convinced us to go to Frodo’s place and it was totally okay to leave my car in a shady-ass neighborhood 10 blocks away. riiiiiiiight.
All four of us arrive and separate, she got the couch and I got the bedroom. I think this guy was alright in bed, he had a few interesting moves. But then again all I remember thinking is if this was a porno it would a saturday night live sketch.
At one point I told him, who needs condoms?? He inquired how long I had been single, because surely I should have a boyfriend with convictions like that. I told him I never had one and he was honestly upset for me. He even pathetically stroked my hair and whispered something like I wish you weren’t leaving. HA. liiiies.
He started to go to sleep but I felt so disgusting that I made him get up and shower with me. that’s when I sobered up and realized I just fucked a 30-year-old who looked like he was 19. This was the last guy I’d sleep with in college. He was my climax and I STILL after all the guys I’d been with didn’t climax. awesome.
the next morning he looked ashamed to be alive just as much I did. I scribbled my number for him and my friend and I fucking bolted, walked to my car (still there THANK GOD) and grabbed stoner Jack In the Box food for breakfast. Classy.
AFTERMATH: I had a week left in Monterey and of course the fucker never called. But really what was I going to say to him sober? I apologize that I look like an elephant standing next to you, want to make out? no. It’s an interesting story only because I would’ve never gone out unless I was with my friend. Her evening was worse then mine however, the guy she “only made out with” revealed he had a girlfriend and LEFT within 45 minutes. She had to stay out there and LISTEN to our romp-fest ALL NIGHT. What a champ!
OVERALL RATING: 6 out of 10
WHY: I got the better guy for once in the end, it wasn’t by much but I did. I also found out that girls will stick by you in fucked up situations (even if they created them). Plus I finally had a friend on my walk of shame who was probably more ashamed then me. winning? not by a mile.